Alec Baldwin Says He Was Diagnosed With PTSD Following 'Rust' Shooting: 'Happier When I’m Asleep'

Alec Baldwin was left traumatized by the 2021 accidental shooting death of Halyna Hutchins on the set of Rust, and his wife Hilaria Baldwin said he would often ask why it couldn't have been him who died instead.

As reported by People, the topic is at the center of the premiere episode of the new TLC reality series The Baldwins. In the episode, Alec and Hilaria open up about the impact the incident had on him. "This has been just surreal," he told his wife. "I can't even believe that we're going through this, and I always feel more in pain about you than me, because I think to myself, well, you know, I'm going to try my best to just get through it, and I think what it's done to you how much it's hurt you and everything."

He said that the year following the incident was "terrible," and he would often find himself unable to get out of bed. "That's not like me. I'm not like that at all, not in any way am I like that," he added. Alec Baldwin was charged with involuntary manslaughter in connection with the incident, in which a Pietta .45 Colt revolver Baldwin held was discharged on the set of Rust, killing 42-year-old cinematographer Halyna Hutchins. The case was later dismissed due to the late discovery of crucial evidence.

"Everyone who is close to Alec has seen his mental health decline," said Hilaria, who also noted that his OCD has gotten worse, too. "He was diagnosed with PTSD, and he says in his darkest moments, 'If an accident had to have happened this day, why am I still here? Why couldn't it have been me?' ... You wake up in the morning and you're like, 'Oh God, why did I wake up?'" Alec confessed that he felt "happier" when he was asleep than when he was awake.

Alec said that his wife and his children have helped him get through the emotional turmoil. "Honestly, from the bottom of my soul, I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have you and these kids going through this," he said. "I never would have made it with this. Sometimes I'd say, ‘Why did I have seven kids? Why do we have seven kids?’ And I realize, to help carry me and you through this situation."

When the case was dismissed last year, Alec Baldwin thanked his fans for their support. "There are too many people who have supported me to thank just now," he wrote on Instagram. "To all of you, you will never know how much I appreciate your kindness toward my family."

Unlike Alec Baldwin, Rust armorer Hannah Gutierrez-Reed was found guilty in Hutchins' death and was sentenced to 18 months in prison last year. The firearm used on the set of the movie, which finally had its premiere at the Polish cinematography festival Camerimage last year, was supposed to contain dummy rounds. Instead, a live round was contained in the firearm, which she did not inspect before handing the weapon to the actor.