The 25 Worst Halloween Candies
Give us any of these and we're coming back with a van full of guys carry bats and prefer broken windows.
Image via Complex Original
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What's worse than trick-or-treating with no parents in a neighborhood zoned for sex offenders? Getting bunk Halloween candy, of course! Nothing ruins October 31st like a bag full of "treats" that you don't want to eat and can't sell to the fat kid on your block. Listen: if you want to catch bricks through windows, hand any of these out. But probably you don't want that.
Go on, bite into our countdown of the 25 Worst Halloween Candies.
Butterscotch
25. Butterscotch Candies
Better Than: Slowly losing your hearing, vision, and hair
Do we look like we're 85 and shitting in diapers? Save these for the waiting room at the rest home, old man.
Whoppers
24. Whoppers
Better Than: Coat hangers
Few things divide the nation more than these chocolate-coated malted milk balls. Maybe abortion. Unless you want your crib to be firebombed, keep these in your pantry.
Gum
23. Chewing Gum
Better Than: Watching your ex have better sex than the wack shit you gave her right before you broke up
How thoughtful of you to go to all the trouble of digging down into the bottom of your purse for us! Really, you're too kind.
Root Beer
22. Root Beer Barrels
Better Than: Syphilitic madness
All soda-flavored candies are really a fail. The suits will never understand that we crave the carbonation. It's not like people go around drinking corn syrup. No; we want the fizz. Now take this candy and go kill yourself.
Peanut Chews
21. Peanut Chews
Better Than: Fifty lashes
This candy grew up being promised it would mature into a Butterfinger. But at some point Dad turned in his well-paying job at the paint factory for alcoholism, and a Butterfinger this bar did not blossom into. Here's the scraps of a tattered life. Enjoy.
Strawberry
20. Strawberry Hard Candies
Better Than: Rather than guiding you to the right vocational school, your guidance teacher molesting you and the secretary pretending not to hear
These candies suck, literally and figuratively. The suck level actually increases once you get to the gooey center. We don't ever want to feel this way again.
Sixlets
19. Sixlets
Better Than: Losing interest in your partner's body; weeping about it regularly
M&M's without the M's. Nice to know you care enough to go bootleg.
Mary
18. Mary Janes
Better Than: Delirium tremens
Straight up: these should be weed. We're in love with Mary Jane, not Mary Janes. We kick this hoe to the curb while we sing our Rick James-penned anthem softly and to ourselves. The candy can't hear.
Flavor Rolls
17. Tootsie FlavorRoll Twisties
Better Than: The bank taking the farm
No one asked for these. No one. And yet they were forced on us. The tyranny of the Tootsie Roll corporation is legendary. OWS!
Baked beans
16. Boston Baked Beans
Better Than: Not understanding that your grade-school friend is severely allergic to peanuts; accidentally killing him
Why are sugar-coated peanuts called Boston Baked Beans? This has to be the most baffling candy name of all time. We're so confused, we're going to hurt someone. Law books will be written explaining the "Boston Baked Beans defense." We'll go to jail, but you'll never forget.
Peppermints
15. Peppermint Hard Candies
Better Than: Your parents blaming you for their divorce
These mints are like the gift that keeps on giving—somebody dumps them on you around Christmas and you're still trying to pawn them off on other people come fall.
Crows
14. Crows
Better Than: Apartheid
Why is it that the BLACK licorice always tastes horrible? And why is this mascot the shuckin'?
Candy Buttons
13. Candy Buttons
Better Than: Eating lead paint chips as an infant, before you know any better
Tiny rainbow colored sugar candies that you inevitably eat with bits of the very paper they're stuck to! If you're gonna give us a sheet of something, make it LSD, please.
Orange
12. Orange Slices
Better Than: Burning your frozen pizza
The fuck does this look like, halftime at a youth soccer game? Unless we're suffering from some sort of non-diabetic scurvy, we have absolutely no use for these wedges of sugar-coated shittiness. Save 'em for your dessert casserole, 'kay, Grandma?
Good
11. Good & Plenty
Better Than: An unwanted enema
They may look like Mother's Little Helper, but the only thing these repulsive, pill-looking, candy-coated black licorices help her to do is get you to swear off sweets and eat your broccoli. More like Evil & Plenty.
Candy Corn
10. Candy Corn
Better Than: Dementia
It's an autumnal blend of sugar, corn syrup, water, fondant, and marshmallows, and a Halloween staple, but the only time you'll find this corn in our stool is when we drop a deuce in a bowl of them.
Jawbreakers
9. Jawbreakers
Better Than: Dying old and alone in a retirement home, forgotten by your entire family
Halloween is about stuffing your face with a variety of candies as rapidly as possible until you overdose on sugar. What gives with a candy that takes an hour to eat? What fucking sense does that make? We hope that you choke, little old lady down the street that gave us this bullshit. We hope that you choke.
Wax
8. Wax Coke Bottles
Better Than: Anti-freeze—you drinking it
There's nothing so refreshing as biting the top off of one of these wax Coke bottles and sipping on some intensely sugary syrup. They're good to the last drop—that being when you drop dead of diabetes.
Licorice Bites
7. Licorice Bites
Better Than: Contracting leprosy from a toilet seat
You know that insulation for electrical cords? It's made out of these.
Wax Lips
6. Wax Lips
Better Than: The kid in the wheelchair robbing you of your pants in front of the entire school
They're not even candy, you assholes! Or are they? We can't count how many times we took a bite out of these thinking maybe we were just confused and they are edible. Instead of giving these out, how about you pop 'em in your mouth and just kiss our ass.
Mallo
5. Mallo Cups
Better Than: Being born ugly
The Associated Press, in a story about the maker of this candy, described Mallos Cups as such: "coconut-laced milk chocolate cups filled with a marshmallow center." It's pretty weird that they didn't mention all the shit that goes into them, right? Literal shit. That's what we taste when we eat them. And how are you gonna lace your shit with coconut and not tell us? That's criminal.
Raisins
4. Raisins
Better Than: Rhinoplasty
What, you didn't have any pennies to give us, you old bitty? We're gonna stomp you out whilst singing "Singing in the Rain." Get the reference, old timer? Tap dancing on yo' face!
Circus
3. Circus Peanuts
Better Than: Losing your entire family in a housefire
It's a fact that you can successfully ship the most fragile of china in circus peanuts. Come on, people, these aren't edible. More than anything else on this list (and we're including what's about to come next), these will hurt you. How could these unholy, peanut-shaped marshmallow candies be anything other than one more item shaving years off your life?
Razor
2. Razor Blades
Better Than: Having to hurt your childhood dog
Hey, it's supposed to be a trick or a treat, not both! Of all the horrible surprise candy centers, this is definitely our least favorite. Unless somebody else is consuming it, in which case it's hilaaaaaaarious!
Necco
1. Necco Wafers
Better Than: Being told you're HIV positive on the night before you take a trip to Disneyland
Good news for the three Necco Wafers fans out there: Since last year, the chalk candy has been all-natural. Yep, ingredients like red beet juice, purple cabbage, and cocoa powder leaves are now used for a healthier treat. Know what else is all-natural? The eggs that'll be fired at your house if you try to give these out. We fucking hate you, Necco Wafers.
